Are you courageous?

I walked into the exam room as the mother said to me, “She has been waiting for you.” I turned to the mother who was sitting next to a home healthcare nurse. The mother and the nurse were smiling. The nurse turned to the mother. “I don’t think I have ever seen her sit so quietly.” The mother answered, “She loves coming here for her visits.”

I walked over to the young woman sitting in the wheelchair and touched her arm. I had first met her about two decades earlier when I diagnosed her with cerebral palsy. She had limited use of her arms and legs and had difficulty speaking and swallowing yet even as a toddler I remember telling her mother,  “Never let anyone tell you she does not understand every word you say.”

“How are you?” I said looking into her knowing eyes. She shook in her chair and said, “Baby” over and over. Throughout her life this was the only word I had ever heard her say. I sat down next to her. “You look great today.” I said.  I turned to her mother. “How are you feeling?”  “Tired, very tired” she answered.  “She loves coming to see you.”  “Have you been getting enough sleep?” I asked.  She shook her head no. “You have to take care of yourself. We can’t do this without you.”  “I know, I know,” She replied. I returned my attention to her daughter who was smiling widely and still saying, “Baby!”  “I think I need to take you dancing in that wheelchair.”  I said to her as I rolled her chair back slightly. She stiffened her legs and arched her head back. “I think we will be able to do some great spins in that wheelchair.” Everyone smiled as the world disappeared and only the moment remained.

Parents of children with special needs are confronted with unasked-for choices. A child is born who is different from other children. A difference filled with beauty and sadness.  Every parent confronted with such an event must make a series of choices.

The first choice is avoidance. There is no greater pain than the pain felt by your child. All parents seek to protect their children from suffering and lack. This genomic drive is imbedded within the psyche of every parent.  This results in parents willing to risk and give everything, including life, for their child.  This drive encourages a parent to live in a make-believe diorama where horror, pain, suffering and loss are cloaked by avoidance.

Other parents move beyond avoidance and choose to alter or adapt their lives in exchange for opportunities for their child.  Such a gift is given with love and seeds hope in the heart of the parent. Happiness is often found as challenges replace opportunities and actions and deeds replace parental dreams and relationships.

A final choice available to parents is to accept and live in the present rather than the past or the future. By living in the now these parents realize their child came into this world having made a choice. A choice to experience a life chosen with foresight and understanding in exchange for the knowledge and experience it would provide. A life filled with emotional and physical difficulty, suffering and sadness yet overflowing with joy from the words and touch of those they love.

When I touched her arm that day, heard the joy in her voice and saw the love in her mother’s eyes, I remembered what her mother and I had talked about almost two decades earlier.  “Her body did not fail her,” I told her mother. “Her cerebral palsy has freed her to live a life where her acceptance has given each of us the ability to replace fear, anger, anguish and grief with our own acceptance and love.”

When she was an infant I held her in my arms and heard the song of her voice.  I knew but had not yet seen. Now, on this day, two decades wiser, my heart opened as we danced under a shimmering light projected through this child and mother both overflowing with life, love and courage.

What do you attract?

The five year old was silent as the nurse walked into the exam room.  The boy’s head ratcheted sideways with every step while his eyes focused on a tray she carried.  I returned to my note and when I looked up the nurse had finished giving the shot.  The boy’s lips and eyes were tightly shut and a wince was fading from his face. His mother reached over and gave him a hug.  As his eyes and mouth opened she said: “I am so proud of you.” They both smiled.

Most parents wonder whom their child will look up to. Will it be an athlete, a scholar, a friend, a neighbor or a media star? What will happen if that person models negative behavior?  Never ending media bombardment makes it easy for parents to neglect and misjudge their own influence while focusing on the influence of others. 

One of the questions I ask a child when I perform a neurological evaluation is: “If you could spend more time with three people, who would they be?” The most common answers are mom and dad. In these words the near limitless power of parenthood is revealed.  A parent is a child’s most visible and influential role model.

It is easy to understand why a child loves and idolizes a parent who sacrifices everything for them. I have always been surprised, however, by the way young children with detached parents often continue to honor, follow and protect their parents. Children are born with a powerful and blinding desire to seek attachment and love. If medical, social, educational or environmental factors prevent this attachment shame and guilt often result.  It is this desire that empowers every parent with the hidden ability to influence a child’s actions and beliefs. Parents and children become magnets with powers of attraction and repulsion. Your words and actions determine the type and direction of force exerted. The absence of attachment drives a wedge between parent and child and with the passing of time this gap widens silently.

Children are born with a powerful desire to emulate parental behavior.  This desire magnetizes both you and your child. These invisible forces pull you together or push you apart. This force of attraction is strongest in the young child and without proper care this force can change from attachment to avoidance.  Love is repelled and lost.

The next time you consider using coercive parenting techniques towards your child remember you are your child’s ultimate role model.  Threats, anger, hostility and demeaning verbal discipline may stop a behavior briefly but such behaviors do not serve as a model for future healthy behaviors.  Always express your inner love with words and actions your child will never forget.

Have you ever wondered why it is so difficult to ask for help?

“Are you going to the noon meeting?” Another intern asked. “I don’t think we have time. It will take us another 15 minutes to get there,”  I answered.  In the prior six weeks I had made the trip many times, and it always took me 15 minutes. “It is on the other side of the hospital,” I said to him.  He turned and motioning for me to follow as he held open a side door.  Stepping through the door I saw the lunchtime meeting room. I turned to my friend, and shook my head in disbelief. We both began to laugh.

Although some people are born with an explorer gene that encourages new physical and emotional frontiers, most people find change incites fear, skepticism and an unwillingness to ask for help. Although a few people readily seek direction and advice most do not. Reasons include shame, guilt, fear, anger and embarrassment. Often these feelings are biological bodyguards that protect us from pursuing change. This rigidity, however, leads parents and children away from new discoveries and invisible opportunities. Children emulate the behaviors parents model.

From an early age parents must encourage and support independence and exploration linked to a willingness and ability to ask for help.  Schedules, routines and rituals are code words parents rely upon to justify a lack of willingness to ask and accept advice and direction from another. When you ask others for help and accept their help with non-judgmental acceptance and gratitude you are teaching your child the power of both giving and sharing.

Thirty years ago my rigidity brought me a moment of laughter and learning I will never forget.  The next time you are on an outing with your child stop and ask for directions and advice from strangers you meet. Stop assuming that your way is the right way. Asking for help may open a door you may also never forget. 

Happiness comes from being willing and able to connect with others.

I walked into the exam room and the first thing I saw was a six year old girl wearing tights, ballet slippers and a pink tutu. Her hair festooned with a pink ribbon and pink barrettes was pulled back into a pony tail.  Smiling, I said to her: “You look beautiful today!” She raised her arms and did a pirouette. “We must go dancing together.”  I said to her.  She ran over and gave me a hug. Her mother smiled and said:  “She was so excited last year when you asked about her dance lessons and talked about how much you love to dance.  When she came downstairs this morning she had her dance outfit on and here we are.”

Sitting on my stool I tapped her arm. “We must go ballroom dancing together.” She furrowed her brow. “But I don’t know how to ballroom dance.”  “Don’t worry.” I replied. “I will teach you how to ballroom dance and you can teach me one of your dances.”  She turned to her mother. “Dr. Barber and I are going to go ballroom dancing together!”  We all smiled.

Connecting with others provides opportunities for happiness in our lives. It allows us to develop relationships and make new friends who enrich and inspire us.  Relationships are nourished by the willingness, capacity and capability to connect. Children need to be taught these skills. Parents are their greatest teacher.  The interest in others that these relationships engender inspires within your child a sense of community. By not becoming a fearful parent you are providing your child the freedom and opportunity to connect.

The behaviors you model are a powerful influence in your child’s willingness to reach out to others. Parents who are anxious and fearful of others teach their child the world is filled with danger.  Parents who believe the world is filled with caring people who wish to help others influence their children to believe the same. Restricting your child’s life with suspicion and fear provokes unnecessary anxiety and limits your child’s willingness to reach out to others. This type of overprotective parenting leads to excessive attachment, separation problems and a lack of willingness to explore the world. Fear is both contagious and frightening.  It prevents your child from developing relationships that may last a lifetime.

Parents are confronted every day with fears arising from media headlines.  Such fear affects not only your responses but also your child’s ability and desire to choose. Your child must be informed and counseled about real risks and real dangers but not blinded by the extreme responses caused by fear.  When a child is led by fear relationship opportunities are lost.

When this six year old reached out to me her freedom and willingness to connect inspired me.  I hope your child will do the same for you today.