The Latest Newsletters from Dr. Joe Barber
Last Day of School
When was the last time you thought about elementary school and those last few days before the start of summer vacation? Open classroom windows, sorted textbooks, empty desks and bulletin boards and clean chalkboards signaled what was about to come. Even the noise on the playground seemed louder. Waking on that last day and riding the bus to school was wonderful. The bus was roaring with talk about summer fun to come. The last bell of the day would ring and everyone poured out of the school chasing one another and the days to come.
I have always loved seeing the small pranks graduating 8th graders and high school seniors would play. Seeing ties lining entrance hand rails or forks filling the front lawn of the school signaled graduation and an earned rite of passage.
Every year as June arrives I feel an excitement matched only by snow days. The coming summer seems as endless as the opportunities for fun and exploration. Visiting friends and family, car rides, vacations, amusement parks, cookouts, baseball and soccer games, bike rides, visits to the library, boat rides, fishing trips, kites, go-carts, camp outs and sleeping in all seem new and real. Possibilities are endless and days never seem to end. Sleep and meals become pauses to gain strength and replenishment for the next day and every day becomes a weekend day.
This year when your child finishes school take time to revel in the way he or she sees the world. The end of school signals the arrival of summer. A summer filled with limitless choice bordered only by imagination. A place where dreams come true and opportunity and laughter fill the air. Don’t sit back and watch. Jump up out of that chair. Grab a sandwich and a cooler and discover the world with your child. Ask about their dreams and join them in the freedom this summer will provide. By giving your child encouragement and entangling yourself in their fun and excitement you will not only see the world through their eyes but also find and relive all the joy of past summers. Don’t waste a minute! Sit down or go for a walk with your child tonight and start planning all the rituals, rites of passage and absolute fun you want to pass on to your child and to your child’s child for this summer and every summer to come. Hear the bell. Summer is here.
Star Trek
In honor of memories lost and memories gained I want to share a memory with you in honor of Memorial Day.
This weekend while watching the new Star Trek film Star Trek Into Darkness I remembered a big mistake I made during my freshman year in college. It happened in a paper I wrote discussing The Martian Chronicles and the television show Star Trek. I was completing my first semester in college and a term paper was due for my favorite class, English Colloquium. Our grade was determined by class discussions and a term paper. Weeks and months passed and no topic excited me. One morning I awoke and knew the title: “Hopes and Fears as Written and Portrayed by the Author of The Martian Chronicles and Star Trek.”
After finishing my writing, I waited anxiously for a meeting with my teacher to discuss the term paper. I was proud of the paper I had written. When we met, he handed me my paper. I immediately saw there was no grade on the paper. I looked at him with a perplexed look as he began to ask me many questions about my paper. We talked about the hopes and fears of man and the difference between a reader’s and an author’s perception. After almost two hours he wrote an A on the cover page and handed me my paper. He told me he had enjoyed our discussion and looked forward to reading more of my writing in the years to come. He told me to take some time and read his comments. I put the paper in my backpack and headed off to my next class.
That night in the cafeteria I was talking to a friend about my paper when he said to me, “Those stories are not written by the same author.” I ran back to my dorm, grabbed my paper and read my teacher’s comments. At the end of my paper he had written Ray Bradbury – The Martian Chronicles and Gene Roddenberry – Star Trek. Until that very moment I thought Roy Bradbury had written Star Trek. My heart sank. He wrote next to the names, “Joe, mistakes happen. Always follow your dreams.”
Through this mistake my teacher taught me the power of understanding and the importance of fairness. Life for us and for our children is about learning from our mistakes. That day I realized we learn more from a big mistake than a big success, and it is our ability to learn and respond to such failures that define and enable us to achieve our greatest successes. The next time your child makes a mistake remember how being fair, kind and non-judgmental provide your child the greatest opportunity to learn.
Change
When a child is born parents are confronted by the power of change. A new family member forces the building of new relationships and a change in existing ones. You must have asked yourself many times before your child was born what would be the most important difference in your life? You certainly answered that question differently from one day to the next. On joyful days you thought about all the fantastic events and trips you would be part of together. On days when you were tired you likely wondered where you would find the energy to care for and protect a child in your already busy life. These questions and concerns are not only natural. They are helpful. The emotions they raise are part of everyone’s life and will be part of your child’s. Only by recognizing and responding to these emotions will you be ready to parent your child.
The first step to understand these changes is to understand your present and prior relationships and your own role in these relationships. Were you the caregiver or were you the one being taken care of? Did you participate in reciprocal relationships or were you the one who directed or was directed? Each of these questions must be answered if you are to prepare yourself for the changes brought by a new child. Once you understand your own relationships you will be better able to respond to the new ones. You will also be able to decide how and if you are willing to adapt to meet the needs of the new relationships.
As a parent you will at times feel you are on an escalator heading up between floors and there is no way to get off or slow your passage. You may try to turn around and walk backwards but your way is blocked by many people heading up the same escalator. You will feel as if your life is preordained and your choices predetermined. You will feel as if the past has inexorably led to the present and your future is now being determined not by your own personal dreams, aspirations, passions and interests but rather, by the events of the past. This linear and simplistic mindset although logical is not always true. The future you desire is affected the present. You must avoid the fixation where one thought or idea blocks your ability to come up with new ideas to change your future.
As the seasons change the world you see out your kitchen window presents numerous examples of renewal and rebirth. Change provides the opportunity to realize the bidirectional promise of the past and the future. In fact, just as future deeds and promises are sustained and invigorated by the past so to the future can reframe the past. Many view the past as unalterable and a direct cause of the present, yet, each of you can recall lessons learned in the future that brought a perceptual change of past events and memories. In this way the future clearly affected your past.
The past and the future are all experienced in the frame of the present. The present serves as the binoculars you use to look forward or backwards in time. In this way both the past and the future are orphans. As orphans, each are fostered by the present. It is your decision whether this effect will be enriching or limiting. If you live your life as if unraveling a spool of yarn there will always be a passive acceptance of what is to come. Yet, you use the same analogy and imagine yourself knitting a sweater. If you found as you finished a new row that the spool of yarn is wound too tight, you have the power to re-spool the yarn. You could also allow the yarn to be rewrapped loosely and now the knitter can easily without effort or constraint continue to knit and space the individual knits exactly as she wishes. In this way future, not past perceptions, changed the present.
So what should you do? As a parent seek out change. Change will be the natural resource to produce the opportunities of life that both you and your child need. Do not fear what is to come. Allow what is to come to alter and produce what you not only want but also what you need.
A Mother’s Love
Do you remember the combination of abundance and fearlessness you felt when you were in your mother’s arms? Today’s newsletter is about mothers and love.
In my office I hear and see acts of love every day in both the words and actions of mothers, who when confronted with a loophole of sadness forgo misery and find boundless love and happiness for both themselves and their child. Last week I saw one of the purest acts of love I have ever seen. The touch and words of a mother demonstrated for me the meaning of love.
As I opened the door and walked into my exam room I saw a mother lifting her teenager with severe cerebral palsy up onto the exam table. She held her child with an embrace of love and strength. Her movements were strong and graceful. Liberating her child from the confines of the wheelchair she transformed my exam table into an altar. She slid her right arm from beneath her daughter’s legs and reaching up caressed her child’s face. As she smoothed her hair and swept some loose strands behind her right ear, she leaned close and spoke as she looked into her eyes. Her soothing voice was musical yet soft as well as powerful and tender. The words I did not hear, but the love I did see.
She turned and looked at me, still bent over her child. She smiled and turning back to her daughter said: “Look who is here to visit with us today.” I walked over, touched her daughter’s foot softly, and we both smiled as her daughter laughed loudly.
That day I saw a mother’s capacity and capability to yield without breaking and liberate without commanding. This mother showed me how gentleness mediated by love could free her and her child from the rigidity and calamities of the physical world and allow weakness to become strength.
As I said goodbye I realized in a world where appearance and reality increasingly collide with our wishes and dreams it is the fearless and humble power of a mother’s love that can enlighten, empower and reunite each of us.
Two Parents
Most of us can remember the last time we saw an act of unconditional love but when was the last time you saw a life of unconditional love?
In my office I am privileged to witness acts of love and bravery. Every day I see parents with boundless awareness of the needs of their child. These families have helped me understand how to replace sadness and doubt with joy and loving acceptance.
This past week I was very busy. Hospital and night call, inpatient rounding and daily office visits took their toll. I was tired and thinking about the upcoming weekend autism walk at our local state park when two loving parents brought grace back into my life.
As I walked into my exam room and sat down on a stool I saw a mother holding her young son. He broke away from her grasp, fell to his knees and tried to bang his head against the floor. His father reached over, pulled him to his chest and cradled him in the safety of his lap. His son fought and screamed as his father endured repeated head butts to his chest. The mother placed her hands on the knee and shoulder of her son. She caressed him softly speaking to him with a voice devoid of fear and filled with love. The boy’s voice quieted as he relaxed into his father’s arms.
After I examined their son the father asked if he could take his son outside for a walk while I talked to his wife. As he walked out the door holding his son’s hand I could only think of the teamwork and cooperation in this family’s life. I turned to the mother and asked how she was doing, and she told me how difficult this was. I saw a tear in her eye and resolve in her face. We talked about solutions and jointly made a plan. I touched her shoulder as we left the room and told her to call me if I could help. She turned and smiled. The tear was gone.
The next day at the autism walk I watched a thousand families walk by in a parade of courage. I knew each family that passed would continue to face daily obstacles beckoning fear. Yet, looking into their eyes, I saw how the unconquerable power of love fueled each of them for today and all tomorrows. In that moment I understood how extraordinary events have the power to awaken within each of us the capacity for extraordinary courage and endless love, and how the actions of two parents would remain within me forever.
