The Latest Newsletters from Dr. Joe Barber
A Christmas Birthday
What does your birthday mean to you?
It was the week before Christmas, and we were making construction paper Christmas cards for our parents. Glitter, glue and crayons were scattered across the table-top. Sister Marie Rene walked over to my table, put her hands on my shoulders and announced to the class, “Joey’s birthday is on the most special day of the year, Christmas!” “Do you get extra presents?” My friend sitting next to me asked. “No,” I answered.” “So why is it so special?” He countered.
It took me many Christmas birthdays to realize love was the reason my Christmas birthday was so special. My birthday, forever paired to Christmas became a time of giving, sharing, receiving, acceptance and love.
Have you wondered why children only ask for food, warmth, love, comfort and protection yet are often worshipped with favors and material gifts? As perfect beings children do not ask for bows, ribbons, cakes, candles, birthday parties or gifts. What they ask for is love.
After birth infants require love, attention and affection. By age one freedom, encouragement and respect are added as every child develops a sense of self-worth. By the mid elementary years a child learns to give, share, be non-judgmental, accept others and tell the truth. Birthdays come and go, lessons are learned and love is given and received. These lessons are the greatest birthday gift every parent can give a child.
As parents we are prone to forget the simplicity of parenting. We over-engage, indulge and worship rather than teach our children. As we fail to set and enforce boundaries and limits, behavior problems become increasingly apparent.
Many children today drown in a sea of plenty. Your child’s birthday is the perfect time each year to remind yourself and your child about the transience of material gifts and the simplicity of love. Make your child’s next birthday about the essence of Christmas. Be a model for your child. Teach your child the difference between needs and wants and live a life based on giving not receiving. When you teach your child to listen, to touch, to give and to heal you will also be teaching the meaning of love.
Happy Holidays and a Merry Christmas to all!
The Greatest Gift
What are your three wishes?
“If you had three wishes for anything in the world what would you wish for?” The eight year old looked at me with a puzzled look. “Take time to think,” I told him. His gaze drifted to the ceiling and his breathing slowed. His eyes lowered and met mine. “I want my dad to be okay,” he answered. “Where is he?” I asked. “Away in the army,” he answered. There was something about his determined look that prevented me from turning away. “You love him very much, don’t you?” He nodded and his eyes shimmered without tears. “Mom told me he will be coming home soon,” he replied. “You and your dad are my heroes,” I said to him. “I am so proud of you.” The boy nodded and wiped his cheek.
The gleaming eyes of children taught me the gift of gratitude is the greatest gift one person can give to another. I saw how a kind word, a pat on the back, a push on a swing or a bounce of a ball made gratitude visible. Young children do not hide gratitude. They hug, they smile, and they sing to us. They wear it loose and visible like a scarf and often leave it behind without regret. We as adults are the ones who forget to show gratitude for what we have and for what we are given by others as gratitude, our greatest gift, is replaced by material acts of giving.
Gratitude empowers and refreshes all who experience it. It comes from the heart and freely given, enriches everyone. It awakens joy, breeds satisfaction and inspires giving. Gratitude built upon humility, acceptance and trust is the ultimate gift. It helps us to understand, accept and love others.
During the coming holiday season make gratitude your greatest gift. Give it to others freely. Don’t hide it. Display it proudly and watch how others become inspired. Show your gratitude for having the opportunity to wake another morning, take another step, and sing another song or blow out another candle. Make every day a new day, a new chance and a new opportunity. Show gratitude for the love of others near and far. Give thanks for what you have already received. Hear the music. Feel the vibration. Reach out to another and dance. Allow gratitude to become your greatest gift.
A Simple Word
Why is it so hard to say, ”No?”
I picked up my afternoon schedule and nodded yes. My secretary had just asked me if she could add two patients into my afternoon schedule. Every slot on the day planner was filled, and I wondered how I was going to find time to fit everyone in. I tossed the schedule on the desk as the phone rang. “Dr. Barber your first patient is ready.” Head down, I took a deep breath in and walked out of my office.
Life is an emotional winter storm, chaotic and overfilled with promises and responsibilities. Minutes, hours and days are consumed by endless duties, lists and negative emotions. Parents are overwhelmed by fatigue and limited by time and opportunity. As responsibilities grow hopeful dreams fade, and parents stop living. Frozen and overwhelmed by shame, guilt, anger and fear parents silently accept the next demand, the next responsibility and the next chore.
Your brain is a wonderful instrument. Billions of synapses allow you to debate, disrupt, judge and detail what needs to get done. The brain drives us all to act or not to act, to think or not to think and to perform or not to perform. It becomes the storyteller of acceptance and excuses and the enforcer against saying the word “No.”
Excuses allow parents to say no when the brain is overpowered by inadequacy and negative emotions. Each of us is hardwired not to say “No.” We want to be powerful and well-liked. We want to be change agents and competent models. Responding with an excuse rather than the word “No” justifies rather than explains and shrouds us with avoidance rather than acceptance and communication. Excuses are a passive and protective stall tactic that bury our emotions and allow us to hide from and avoid our own feelings. They harm us physically and emotionally and must be replaced with truth.
The best way do this is to recognize, understand and respond to your own needs and take control of your life by using the word “No.” This word must be practiced and cultivated. It empowers both the speaker and the listener and allows you to disengage while encouraging the speaker to seek and find another solution. “No” informs the listener you are willing to give up control and makes the listener the agent of change. This heartfelt , mindful and trust filled act informs the listener that you do not have the desire or ability to take on one more task or responsibility and are confident that they do have the ability to find their own solution.
This act of saying “No” is the foundation of self-care. Self-care creates prosperity for all and increases your generosity and future ability to give. It eliminates the need to make excuses for self-neglect and supports responsibility for your own needs. Self-care enriches two-way communication and provides the energy to live an inspirational life filled with love, passion and good health.
Until my quadruple bypass 12 years ago I was an expert excuse-maker. I always said “Yes” without pause or hesitation looking out and never in. Blind to self-neglect, stress and fatigue I was lost in a storm buried deep within my heart. That day I woke up. You can too. It starts with a simple word.
The Breadbox
Why are memories so powerful?
“Joey, would you get some bread out of the breadbox?” “Sure, Mom,” I answered as I walked over to the counter and twisted the black knob. The breadbox was the size of a small microwave. I twisted the knob on the stainless steel front panel and reached in and pulled out two slices and remembered a trip to the bakery yesterday. “Mrs. Barber, what can I get you today?” The woman behind the counter asked. “A loaf of pumpernickel,” my mom answered. The baker looked through the glass counter at me and asked, “Can I give Joey slice?” My mom smiled and nodded her head. I reached my hand towards the top of the glass counter. “Thank-you,” I mumbled as I bit into the warm, fragrant and chewy bread. It was a taste and smell I will never forget.
In the next decade hundreds of thousands of people will die every year due to the ingestion of too much sugar, salt and fat. Yet, the real killer is not the food of today but the memories of tomorrow.
Every child has three lives: a life at home, a life at school and a life at work or play. In the past the food we ate was dependent on cost, location and the season. Fresh, vegetable-based and regionally-available foods were at the center of our menu. Food did not come prepared, packaged or processed. Limited choice and availability strengthened our resolve. A loaf of bread, saltines and graham crackers have now been replaced with an endless media parade of fast food restaurants, carbohydrates and snacks. There were no sugar or flavor additives and a pinch of salt was enough. We ate less, worked harder to prepare our food, and we were healthier.
My generation might be the last generation to rely on breadboxes, a well-stocked pantry, baking and family-owned corner restaurants. We remember family recipes, family meals, the smell of dinner cooking, aprons and lively discussions around a dishwasher-less sink filled with pots and pans.
Yes, times have changed. The economy, a lack of opportunity, fatigue and our drive to possess has drained from many parents the ability to recognize the importance of healthy food. We make choices based on time and efficiency rather than good health. We are conditioned to hear and see how food can make us feel good rather than keep us alive. Our tastes have been brainwashed. Food has become an escape and often an unhealthy reward rather than a lifestyle.
In the past we walked to the store and now we drive. Corner stores, bakeries and butcher shops have disappeared. In their place grocery chains with altars of processed, frozen and ready to eat sliced, diced and pre-packed or prepared foods have appeared. Aisle placement is now both an art and science used to influence you on what to buy for you and your child. Plastic has replaced paper and the microwave has become the oven of today.
The bill for these choices we are influenced to make is coming due. Corporate chefs have become taste conditioners. Healthy foods have disappeared under the guise of convenience. Our bodies and our taste buds are jaded by fat, sugar and salt at the expense of our health, our children’s health and the health of our children’s children. Labeling is an illusion and misrepresentation controls you. Food choice has been hijacked and the cost is your good health.
I remember the days before corporate America controlled the food that we eat. We learned how to cook meals and choose ingredients. We relied on heritage, seasonal availability and taste rather than what we saw or heard in the media. Stop this epidemic now. No fancy or expensive medicine is needed. Sit down with your child and talk about food. Make sure your child knows how to cook ten basic meals. Start this discussion at an early age. Teach by your words and example about the importance of a fresh, non-processed, healthy diet centered around vegetables, fruit, whole grains, vegetable protein and lean meats. Talk about the dangers of milk enriched with sugar and how cheese is a hidden source of unhealthy saturated fat. Make every meal an event your child will remember just as I remembered that trip to the bakery.
Today, parents have more challenges and temptations compared to parents of prior generations. The choice, however, is simple. Give in and allow these pirates to control how long you and your child will live or take control and choose a diet that supports a long and healthy life for you, your child and your grandchildren. The choice is yours.
The Hungry Child
How can you help a hungry child?
I sat wide eyed and speechless as I watched the video while a friend and co-worker of mine narrated the video and the still pictures. The pictures and video were taken at a small orphanage in Liberia called Fatima Cottage. This orphanage houses 64 children and is run by an eighty-eight year old woman who has the heart of an earthly saint. Children sat at several long tables in a dirt floored room. The room was filled with smiles and songs sung by wiggling children with sparkling eyes. It was then that I heard her words, “One of the six tables in the room will not receive food today because there is not enough food to feed all the children in the orphanage.” As my heart dropped and my eyes widened I said to myself, “How can that be?” I watched silently as the children who did not receive food continued to sing.
A tidal wave called obesity is here. Whether or not you are overweight it will shape your future. We all have heard about the importance of a balanced diet that is low in fat and high in fruits and vegetables and energy rich whole-grain foods. Our portions are too large, our reasons to overeat are too numerous, our stress is too high and our bombardment with unhealthy food eating patterns and food choices are too many. We live in a country where the largest fast food company, McDonalds, spends nearly $1,000,000,000 dollars a year on advertising. We know it is time to change our approach to food yet education does not seem to work. New roadblocks to good health appear as soon as old roadblocks are removed. We hear a never ending stream of information that trumpets the importance of improved access to healthy food, active lifestyles, as well as the avoidance of empty calories from junk and fast food. We hear about the perils of snacking and sugar-added beverages and the invasiveness of modern day technology and electronic devices that eliminate our interest and the need to be physically active. Children and parents become detached from a sense of purpose that each of us can relate to. It is this lack of purpose that haunts and defeats us in our daily pursuit of good health.
Children must be given the opportunity to choose compassion, altruism and respect over distraction and the pursuit of personal satisfaction. Although we over-eat for many mindless or purposeful reasons including avoidance and comfort the fact is we continue to overeat. If we are to survive this tidal wave of unhealthy behavior and stress we must pivot, acknowledge our goal of a healthy life for every man, woman and child on this earth and adapt and alter our response to this problem. We must stop killing ourselves while allowing so many in our world to go hungry or starve.
What can you do? Stop this disconnect between food and survival for your child. Teach your child what food actually means. How food allows not only each of us but everyone to survive. Lead in your actions and words. Show your child how to become a steward for others and for themselves. With your help your child will stop seeing the world as a scary self-centered place where one’s own desires trump those of another. This awakening will show your child how the care of others leads to both healthy self-care and an inner happiness born from a certainty that is within each of us.
Reach out to your faith, family and friends and join an organization that is dealing with the hunger and starvation in our world. Allow yourself and your child to be engaged in the fight to understand and defeat hunger. This battle will not be short or easy but it can be won. Your actions will change how you and your child eat. Reframe your understanding of what you eat, why you eat and when you eat. Don’t walk away from that table of children singing ever louder hoping to silence their hunger. Your efforts can change your life and the life of your child and lives of hungry children throughout the world. Start today. Bring your love and commitment to this battle to live healthy and defeat hunger. You are your child’s greatest teacher. Act now, before it is too late.
