Independence

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Have you ever wondered why some children grow up confident and independent while others do not?

“When are you going to start your college applications?” I looked across the room and saw the young man gaze at the floor.  He said nothing. “You have worked so hard for this, and you are running out of time.” He still said nothing. His eyes never lifted from the floor. His mother turned to me and asked, “What should I do? He is running out of time.”  I looked into her eyes and sought a word that could buy time for this teen. “Patience,” I answered.  “You raised your son. You love him. Show him you believe in him.”

A secure and loving attachment must be followed by freedom, encouragement and respect if a child is to become capable of making his own thoughtful decisions. Self-trust must be fostered from an early age. With support it leads to insight, independent judgment and the ability to discriminate.

Children trapped by excessive attachment are forever chained.  They are paralyzed by uncertainty and a fear of loss makes them unable to believe in themselves and make decisions on their own. They turn to others for support and praise and often chase reflections rather than their own dreams.  Parents who provide a secure attachment that evolves into freedom and encouragement are preparing their child for a life filled with a healthy self-esteem, a belief in oneself and the confidence to listen to their own inner voice. Parents must let go of their child support autonomy rather than self-doubt. Parents who are unable to let go, imprison both themselves and their child.

By believing in the pervasiveness of good, parents are able to detach and allow their children to make their own choices. Such behavior serves as a model for unconditional and non-judgmental love, respect and acceptance and allows a child to be both secure and capable. In this way children become responsible and comfortable with their own decisions.

The next time your toddler attempts to walk and falls remember it was his choice. When your preschool aged child jumps off the couch and breaks a lamp remember he is practicing choice. When your school aged child neglects to study for a test and his grade is a D remember it was his choice, and when your teen chooses something  you do not agree with do not throw your hands in their air and shout and stomp out of fear and anger. Draw each of these children close and revel in their independence.

She turned to her son. “I believe in you and always will.” He raised his head and for the first time that day they looked at one another.  I said to myself, “Now we can begin.”

Parenting Doctrines

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What is your parenting doctrine?

“What is the most important principle in parenting?” I looked across the room at the medical student who had just asked me the question. I began to smile. “What a question,” I said to myself. “Does he know how important that question is?” Feelings, thoughts, words, actions, lectures and books flashed through my head. “What do I believe?” I thought to myself. The room was quiet and every student looked at me. “There is no single principle due to the complexity of parenting,” I answered. “But there is a single doctrine. I believe physical and emotional experience moderate the life of every child.”

Some children settle easily while others settle slowly. Some adapt to change well while others overreact to stimulation. Some accept schedules poorly while others chase rigidity. Transition and change comfort some children while inciting anxiety in others. “Bad moods” are common for some children while rare in others. These characteristics are innate and difficult to change. They can, however, be modified.

Most parenting classes focus on the teaching of practices. A practice is the performance of a pattern of behavior repeatedly in search of a sought after behavior. This is accomplished by teaching guidelines that if followed, result in habitual behaviors. Examples include the importance of clear, consistent parental responses that are performed competently and confidently.  Such practices enhance behavioral outcomes but they are not principles or doctrines.

Parenting principles are fundamental beliefs that support the essence of parenting. Examples include the importance of love, encouragement, approval, trust, freedom, respect, unconditional love and acceptance. The demonstration of these principles allows parents to be attentive, responsive, attuned and sensitive.

For me the primary dogma or doctrine about parenting concerns the physical and emotional power of connectivity. The parental ability to connect with a child provides life and hope to every child.  It is well known how diet, prenatal care, the environment, toxin exposure, illness and stress affect every child. We know actual brain structural changes occur when a child is exposed to toxic stress. Stress in childhood leads to a decrease in brain development and loss of memory and healthy emotional response.

As I looked at the faces of the medical students sitting around the room I could feel and see their connections. The tone in their voice and the zeal in their step are the result of the power of connection. “My doctrine is simple.” I answered. “Every child yearns for the safety and security that connection brings. Connection is my fundamental doctrine of parenting. Parents who connect with their child both empower and become empowered. This I believe.”

Exits

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I looked at the mother who was sitting in front of me. She was crying softly. I slid my stool over towards her and told her I would help her find a way. She opened her eyes and dabbed them with the matted Kleenex she held in her hand. “I have tried everything,” she said to me. “Nothing seems to work. Every day on my way home from work I pick him up from daycare, and he never listens. He hits, he kicks, and I don’t know what to do.” I leaned towards her and put my arm on her shoulder. “We have to find a way to take care of you. Once we do that I can help you with your son.” “Can you,” she asked me. “I can’t but you can,” I answered.

Parenting is a demanding job. It ensnares you into thinking it is endless. At times you feel as if you are locked in a cell without an exit. Children depend upon us for survival.  From infancy through the teen years parents must be vigilant to identify and provide for the needs of children while keeping them safe. Learned parenting behavior and the biological drive to protect offspring, encourage and influence the way parents recognize, understand and respond to a child’s needs. These responses are limited by time, resources, finances and the emotional competency of prior learned behavior.

Studies have shown that over 50% of parents feel they have no sources of emotional and physical support. Financial stress adds another hardship. These stressors make it difficult for parents to meet the needs of their children.  Stress encourages parents to neglect their own needs and self-care soon disappears.

Parents who neglect their own self-care are at risk for losing patience and compassion. Their lives are bordered by fear, procrastination and self-doubt. Dreams, passions and aspirations are forgotten and behaviors are modeled that do not teach self-awareness and self-care. This loss of self is accompanied by fear, anger, shame and guilt. These become learned behaviors that are then passed on to a new generation prone to social isolation and fueled by anger due to the loss of self.

Self-care must be simplified and programmed into your daily life. You must acknowledge, speak up and walk away when self-care is threatened. You must seek out people, places and things that provide comfort, connection and safety in an ever accelerating world.  When self-care is embedded within your life it provides for both you and your child. You receive the personal, social, emotional, intellectual and spiritual benefits and model behavior that changes the biological and emotional decision for your child.

Take a walk and look at the magnificence of nature.  Eat dessert, read a romantic novel, watch a movie, go to a comedy show, walk on the beach, exercise or just brew yourself a cup of tea or hot chocolate. Call a friend or take a nap. Take up dancing or start a scrapbook. Learn how to say “no.” Go to the library, learn a new language or start playing that instrument you have not played since you were a child. Meditate, attend a religious service or volunteer for a favorite unspoken cause.

Each of us built the rooms in which we live. Each house is our challenge and responsibility.  Every room must contain exits for daily and emergency use. Exits provide the safety and security to live a life filled with passion and inspiration. If circumstances arise and you find yourself in darkness look for a light. If there is none, listen and reach out to someone near. They will lead you to safety. Begin your journey today.

Being Bullied

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Do you know what it feels like to be bullied? I Do. Being repeatedly bullied changes you. It can either leave a mark or induce change.

As a new freshman in high school I turned the corner and quickly scanned the hallway. Experience had taught me what to look for and how to look for it. Repeated bullying teaches you how to scan a sidewalk, a playground, a gymnasium, a room or a hallway. Never make direct eye contact and never, ever stop listening. While most children look for their friends, those who are bullied see sudden movement and hear the shuffle of feet and always know where the closest exit is. As I walked down the long hallway I approached a group of boys. They leaned on open lockers and their laughter echoed off the tile floor. Laughter was always more worrisome than loud talking.  I drifted over to the other side of the hall and softened my shoulders as I shifted my books to my other arm. You always kept one arm free when passing a bully. The laughter did not change and I sighed silently as I turned the corner and began scanning the next hallway.

For the observer bullying is often difficult to recognize. It can happen everywhere and anytime. For the one who is being bullied, bullying is always recognizable. It includes both spoken and unspoken actions, words and behaviors. A tilt of a head, a look in the eye, a sudden turn, a push, a trip, a sound or a series of words all indicate unwanted and unsought after aggression that has been directed at you. When you are young it starts with simple name calling, teasing or taunting. When these behaviors are repeated and are associated with one child trying to control or scare another child it becomes bullying. Threats of physical harm, rumors, embarrassing false stories and inappropriate sexual comments soon follow and you change. Not everyone becomes a victim but everyone changes. You notice social behaviors including how others avoid you or leave you out of games. You learn how to recognize the bully as well as those who assist and reinforce those who bully. Knocking, tripping, punching and hitting become a sport and if you are smart enough you learn how to scan and disappear.

There is no single reason why a child becomes a bully. Fear, anger, inadequate attachment, lack of control and low self-esteem are common themes. A lack of compassion and respect for others and the pursuit of social power and attention are also commonly seen in those who bully. Bullies may be well connected to peers or they may be loners who are isolated and easily pressured by others. Bullies tend to be aggressive and have difficulty following rules. They resort to dominating behaviors when they become frustrated and often think badly of others. They view aggressive behavior in a positive way and tend to have friends who bully others. In adulthood bullies often continue to have problems both at work and at home.

Children who are bullied tend to be different from others. They may be smart, sensitive, short, tall, overweight or just “different”. The way they dress, the words they choose or the way they act turn them into magnets. Bullies are drawn to these children and search for targets who are weak, depressed, anxious or unable to defend themselves. Bullying soon follows.

The best way to eliminate bullying is to talk about it and model appropriate interpersonal behavior. Bullying must be recognizable and understood if we are to prevent it. Bullying can be prevented by keeping all lines of communication open, urging all children to seek help if bullied and for those who are not bullied to be encouraged to step in and stop bullying before it happens. In this way all children will benefit. We must be clear, consistent and concise about how aggressive behavior harms both the giver and the receiver. We must never tolerate bullying and must model in our daily lives the use of effective non-physical positive discipline techniques that encourage appropriate behavior and discourage inappropriate behavior.

Being bullied changed me. I became a protector of others and along the way learned how to protect myself. Listen to your child and search for those children walking down the hall who know how to disappear. Your support, your teaching and your words of encouragement can allow an invisible child to hear the laughter and not the shuffle of feet.

The Cupcake

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Why does quiet time foster the ability to connect?

One of my fondest memories is walking hand in hand with my mother to a corner store one block away from our house. We made this trip many times when I would wake from naps. She would buy me a chocolate cream filled cupcake and arriving home we would sit silently on our porch steps sharing that cupcake and watch cars go up and down our street.

Parents are confronted every day with new techniques and ideas on how to raise a bright, sensitive, respectful and resilient child. The importance of attachment, emotional competency and a sense of others are consistently discussed as is the ability to perceive the intent, purpose and meaning of others. To accomplish these goals parents are drawn to active parenting styles that engender and support specific traits and behaviors.

One of these active styles is clear, consistent, concise and confident parenting.   Another is the ability to set reasonable boundaries that support respect in the parent-child relationship. Without such boundaries many children believe the role of a parent is to fulfill not only their needs but also their wants. These active parenting skills are important but they all must be broadened by a healthy parent-child connection.  Such a connection is fostered through passive parenting opportunities that support the sharing of feelings and thoughts without words or actions. This sharing can be accomplished by spending quiet time with your child.

Life is seldom in slow motion. For parents life has two speeds, fast and faster. This is why parents and children must find opportunities to connect during periods of quiet rest and relaxation.  A quiet presence allows you and your child to connect. Distractions hinder our ability to connect.  Quiet and the reflection foster your child’s ability to share and support the importance of silent contemplation, rest and relaxation.  This ability is essential for self- development and enhances your child’s ability to initiate and maintain future healthy relationships.

Don’t wait! You do have the power to change the speed of life for both you and your child. How comfortable are you with silence? You will be amazed by the hugs and smiles you discover when you hit the pause button and a previously unseen and unheard world unfolds. What memory of you will your child remember?

A Happy Little Girl

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Happiness is a gift from within.

I looked up from the menu and saw this young girl standing next to me smiling. Her hair touched the top of a billowing white dress and her black patent leather shoes sparkled.  I cocked my head to the side and said: “Well, hello.” Speechless, she continued to smile. A woman swept over from a distant table and knelt down beside her. “Doctor Barber, I apologize for bothering you but, my daughter saw you come in and asked if she could go over and say hello.”  The next thing I knew she was standing next to your table.  I am so sorry for interrupting your dinner.”  The little girl continued to smile. “She and her sister play doctor and take turns being you.” You are going to be a great doctor someday,” I said to her.  Her smile grew larger. “Come on honey. Let Doctor Barber finish eating.”  She reached up and gave me a hug and skipped back to her table.

Children are born with an ability to live in the moment. Their feelings fueled by love, attention and affection drive their actions. They are able to feel what they want while still controlling what they do.   Attachment fueled by love, attention and affection leads to a sense of happiness, security and satisfaction. For adults this skill and connection is often lost.

The older we become the more our lives are illuminated by responsibility. Schedules and illness shorten our lives. Minutes, hours and days filter out the joy as we become unhealthy and unhappy. This unhappiness fosters the conscious suppression and unconscious repression of desires and feelings.  Life is devoured by rejection, anger, frustration, internal inadequacy and the stress of endless repetition.  One day ends so another can begin.

We must not allow unhappiness to replace positive emotion.  Abundant acts occur daily in each of our lives when we take the time to live in the present moment.

That young girl reminded me of my own power and capability to seek and find happiness no matter where I am or whom I am with.  I realized we have the innate ability to feel good when we take the time to give and receive unconditionally.  This power is within each of us.

Do you choose happiness? The choice is yours.

Magic Erasers

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Have you ever wondered why we find it so difficult to forgive ourselves?

“Did you try a magic eraser?”  I shook my head no but remembered seeing some soft white rectangular blocks in a box autographed with a picture of Mr. Clean. “They are out on the porch with all the cleaning supplies,” my wife answered. Pleased with my success I reached into the box and pulled out two pieces of foam each the size of an ivory soap bar. They were soft and smooth and were made of a material you could use to wrap your grandmother’s china during a cross-country move. “How do you use these?” I asked.  “Just run them under water and squeeze out the water.”  Following her instructions I said to myself, “You have to be kidding.”

I took the first one and began to rub it across a white shelf that had been marked by several years of sliding pots and pans. “There is no way this is going to work,” I said to myself.  With several firm strokes the marks vanished. They did not just soften. They were gone. In disbelief I began to use strokes I had not seen since The Karate Kid movie. Each time the result was the same. Every mark vanished. I moved onto cupboard doors, baseboards, the washer and dryer and a mud sink. Mr. Clean won every time. “These things are unbelievable,” I called to my wife.  I actually became gleeful when I saw that the box was still over half full. “You can even rinse and re-use these things,” I said to her with an ever-growing amazement.  “Does everyone know about these things?” “Pretty much,” she answered.  My eyes searched the room as I successfully deported every scuff and stain I encountered. Not once did I fail.

As parents we all leave scuffs and stains on our children.  As the years pass we search for a Magic Eraser to wipe away our mistakes. We sand, paint and remodel in hope of becoming a better parent and become fatigued, scuffed and stained. Due to these challenges parents are often blinded and lose sight of the passion and joy beneath those scuffs and stains.

Parents search for the right proportions of resourcefulness, self-reliance and teamwork. By blending these traits and patterns within a framework of responsibility parents strive to raise a child who is respectful and cooperative rather than obedient. Learning how to care for oneself and for others separates exploration from entitlement.

Parenting is never easy. Every child-rearing marathon is a race across deep hot sand and many obstacles. Some of these obstacles are self-made and others are not. This marathon causes many to become critics, victims, worriers or perfectionists.  Each of these stains and scuffs distract us from our goal, hides our inner beauty and changes the ways we love and live.

Forgiveness is your magic eraser. It allows you to accept and forgive yourself and others for choices made and lessons learned. Forgiveness provides each of us the opportunity to reach out to our children and parents unburdened by the failure of decisions made to again become fueled by love. The next time you see Mr. Clean and the magic eraser remind yourself your future is not yet written. Your future need not be determined by your past but by how you use your magic eraser called forgiveness.

Courage

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Are you courageous?

I walked into the exam room as the mother said to me, “She has been waiting for you.” I turned to the mother who was sitting next to a home healthcare nurse. The mother and the nurse were smiling. The nurse turned to the mother. “I don’t think I have ever seen her sit so quietly.” The mother answered, “She loves coming here for her visits.”

I walked over to the young woman sitting in the wheelchair and touched her arm. I had first met her about two decades earlier when I diagnosed her with cerebral palsy. She had limited use of her arms and legs and had difficulty speaking and swallowing yet even as a toddler I remember telling her mother,  “Never let anyone tell you she does not understand every word you say.”

“How are you?” I said looking into her knowing eyes. She shook in her chair and said, “Baby” over and over. Throughout her life this was the only word I had ever heard her say. I sat down next to her. “You look great today.” I said.  I turned to her mother. “How are you feeling?”  “Tired, very tired” she answered.  “She loves coming to see you.”  “Have you been getting enough sleep?” I asked.  She shook her head no. “You have to take care of yourself. We can’t do this without you.”  “I know, I know,” She replied. I returned my attention to her daughter who was smiling widely and still saying, “Baby!”  “I think I need to take you dancing in that wheelchair.”  I said to her as I rolled her chair back slightly. She stiffened her legs and arched her head back. “I think we will be able to do some great spins in that wheelchair.” Everyone smiled as the world disappeared and only the moment remained.

Parents of children with special needs are confronted with unasked-for choices. A child is born who is different from other children. A difference filled with beauty and sadness.  Every parent confronted with such an event must make a series of choices.

The first choice is avoidance. There is no greater pain than the pain felt by your child. All parents seek to protect their children from suffering and lack. This genomic drive is imbedded within the psyche of every parent.  This results in parents willing to risk and give everything, including life, for their child.  This drive encourages a parent to live in a make-believe diorama where horror, pain, suffering and loss are cloaked by avoidance.

Other parents move beyond avoidance and choose to alter or adapt their lives in exchange for opportunities for their child.  Such a gift is given with love and seeds hope in the heart of the parent. Happiness is often found as challenges replace opportunities and actions and deeds replace parental dreams and relationships.

A final choice available to parents is to accept and live in the present rather than the past or the future. By living in the now these parents realize their child came into this world having made a choice. A choice to experience a life chosen with foresight and understanding in exchange for the knowledge and experience it would provide. A life filled with emotional and physical difficulty, suffering and sadness yet overflowing with joy from the words and touch of those they love.

When I touched her arm that day, heard the joy in her voice and saw the love in her mother’s eyes, I remembered what her mother and I had talked about almost two decades earlier.  “Her body did not fail her,” I told her mother. “Her cerebral palsy has freed her to live a life where her acceptance has given each of us the ability to replace fear, anger, anguish and grief with our own acceptance and love.”

When she was an infant I held her in my arms and heard the song of her voice.  I knew but had not yet seen. Now, on this day, two decades wiser, my heart opened as we danced under a shimmering light projected through this child and mother both overflowing with life, love and courage.

Magnets

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What do you attract?

The five year old was silent as the nurse walked into the exam room.  The boy’s head ratcheted sideways with every step while his eyes focused on a tray she carried.  I returned to my note and when I looked up the nurse had finished giving the shot.  The boy’s lips and eyes were tightly shut and a wince was fading from his face. His mother reached over and gave him a hug.  As his eyes and mouth opened she said: “I am so proud of you.” They both smiled.

Most parents wonder whom their child will look up to. Will it be an athlete, a scholar, a friend, a neighbor or a media star? What will happen if that person models negative behavior?  Never ending media bombardment makes it easy for parents to neglect and misjudge their own influence while focusing on the influence of others. 

One of the questions I ask a child when I perform a neurological evaluation is: “If you could spend more time with three people, who would they be?” The most common answers are mom and dad. In these words the near limitless power of parenthood is revealed.  A parent is a child’s most visible and influential role model.

It is easy to understand why a child loves and idolizes a parent who sacrifices everything for them. I have always been surprised, however, by the way young children with detached parents often continue to honor, follow and protect their parents. Children are born with a powerful and blinding desire to seek attachment and love. If medical, social, educational or environmental factors prevent this attachment shame and guilt often result.  It is this desire that empowers every parent with the hidden ability to influence a child’s actions and beliefs. Parents and children become magnets with powers of attraction and repulsion. Your words and actions determine the type and direction of force exerted. The absence of attachment drives a wedge between parent and child and with the passing of time this gap widens silently.

Children are born with a powerful desire to emulate parental behavior.  This desire magnetizes both you and your child. These invisible forces pull you together or push you apart. This force of attraction is strongest in the young child and without proper care this force can change from attachment to avoidance.  Love is repelled and lost.

The next time you consider using coercive parenting techniques towards your child remember you are your child’s ultimate role model.  Threats, anger, hostility and demeaning verbal discipline may stop a behavior briefly but such behaviors do not serve as a model for future healthy behaviors.  Always express your inner love with words and actions your child will never forget.

The Conference Room

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Have you ever wondered why it is so difficult to ask for help?

“Are you going to the noon meeting?” Another intern asked. “I don’t think we have time. It will take us another 15 minutes to get there,”  I answered.  In the prior six weeks I had made the trip many times, and it always took me 15 minutes. “It is on the other side of the hospital,” I said to him.  He turned and motioning for me to follow as he held open a side door.  Stepping through the door I saw the lunchtime meeting room. I turned to my friend, and shook my head in disbelief. We both began to laugh.

Although some people are born with an explorer gene that encourages new physical and emotional frontiers, most people find change incites fear, skepticism and an unwillingness to ask for help. Although a few people readily seek direction and advice most do not. Reasons include shame, guilt, fear, anger and embarrassment. Often these feelings are biological bodyguards that protect us from pursuing change. This rigidity, however, leads parents and children away from new discoveries and invisible opportunities. Children emulate the behaviors parents model.

From an early age parents must encourage and support independence and exploration linked to a willingness and ability to ask for help.  Schedules, routines and rituals are code words parents rely upon to justify a lack of willingness to ask and accept advice and direction from another. When you ask others for help and accept their help with non-judgmental acceptance and gratitude you are teaching your child the power of both giving and sharing.

Thirty years ago my rigidity brought me a moment of laughter and learning I will never forget.  The next time you are on an outing with your child stop and ask for directions and advice from strangers you meet. Stop assuming that your way is the right way. Asking for help may open a door you may also never forget.