The Latest Newsletters from Dr. Joe Barber
Independence
Have you ever wondered why some children grow up confident and independent while others do not?
“When are you going to start your college applications?” I looked across the room and saw the young man gaze at the floor. He said nothing. “You have worked so hard for this, and you are running out of time.” He still said nothing. His eyes never lifted from the floor. His mother turned to me and asked, “What should I do? He is running out of time.” I looked into her eyes and sought a word that could buy time for this teen. “Patience,” I answered. “You raised your son. You love him. Show him you believe in him.”
A secure and loving attachment must be followed by freedom, encouragement and respect if a child is to become capable of making his own thoughtful decisions. Self-trust must be fostered from an early age. With support it leads to insight, independent judgment and the ability to discriminate.
Children trapped by excessive attachment are forever chained. They are paralyzed by uncertainty and a fear of loss makes them unable to believe in themselves and make decisions on their own. They turn to others for support and praise and often chase reflections rather than their own dreams. Parents who provide a secure attachment that evolves into freedom and encouragement are preparing their child for a life filled with a healthy self-esteem, a belief in oneself and the confidence to listen to their own inner voice. Parents must let go of their child support autonomy rather than self-doubt. Parents who are unable to let go, imprison both themselves and their child.
By believing in the pervasiveness of good, parents are able to detach and allow their children to make their own choices. Such behavior serves as a model for unconditional and non-judgmental love, respect and acceptance and allows a child to be both secure and capable. In this way children become responsible and comfortable with their own decisions.
The next time your toddler attempts to walk and falls remember it was his choice. When your preschool aged child jumps off the couch and breaks a lamp remember he is practicing choice. When your school aged child neglects to study for a test and his grade is a D remember it was his choice, and when your teen chooses something you do not agree with do not throw your hands in their air and shout and stomp out of fear and anger. Draw each of these children close and revel in their independence.
She turned to her son. “I believe in you and always will.” He raised his head and for the first time that day they looked at one another. I said to myself, “Now we can begin.”
Parenting Doctrines
What is your parenting doctrine?
“What is the most important principle in parenting?” I looked across the room at the medical student who had just asked me the question. I began to smile. “What a question,” I said to myself. “Does he know how important that question is?” Feelings, thoughts, words, actions, lectures and books flashed through my head. “What do I believe?” I thought to myself. The room was quiet and every student looked at me. “There is no single principle due to the complexity of parenting,” I answered. “But there is a single doctrine. I believe physical and emotional experience moderate the life of every child.”
Some children settle easily while others settle slowly. Some adapt to change well while others overreact to stimulation. Some accept schedules poorly while others chase rigidity. Transition and change comfort some children while inciting anxiety in others. “Bad moods” are common for some children while rare in others. These characteristics are innate and difficult to change. They can, however, be modified.
Most parenting classes focus on the teaching of practices. A practice is the performance of a pattern of behavior repeatedly in search of a sought after behavior. This is accomplished by teaching guidelines that if followed, result in habitual behaviors. Examples include the importance of clear, consistent parental responses that are performed competently and confidently. Such practices enhance behavioral outcomes but they are not principles or doctrines.
Parenting principles are fundamental beliefs that support the essence of parenting. Examples include the importance of love, encouragement, approval, trust, freedom, respect, unconditional love and acceptance. The demonstration of these principles allows parents to be attentive, responsive, attuned and sensitive.
For me the primary dogma or doctrine about parenting concerns the physical and emotional power of connectivity. The parental ability to connect with a child provides life and hope to every child. It is well known how diet, prenatal care, the environment, toxin exposure, illness and stress affect every child. We know actual brain structural changes occur when a child is exposed to toxic stress. Stress in childhood leads to a decrease in brain development and loss of memory and healthy emotional response.
As I looked at the faces of the medical students sitting around the room I could feel and see their connections. The tone in their voice and the zeal in their step are the result of the power of connection. “My doctrine is simple.” I answered. “Every child yearns for the safety and security that connection brings. Connection is my fundamental doctrine of parenting. Parents who connect with their child both empower and become empowered. This I believe.”
Exits
I looked at the mother who was sitting in front of me. She was crying softly. I slid my stool over towards her and told her I would help her find a way. She opened her eyes and dabbed them with the matted Kleenex she held in her hand. “I have tried everything,” she said to me. “Nothing seems to work. Every day on my way home from work I pick him up from daycare, and he never listens. He hits, he kicks, and I don’t know what to do.” I leaned towards her and put my arm on her shoulder. “We have to find a way to take care of you. Once we do that I can help you with your son.” “Can you,” she asked me. “I can’t but you can,” I answered.
Parenting is a demanding job. It ensnares you into thinking it is endless. At times you feel as if you are locked in a cell without an exit. Children depend upon us for survival. From infancy through the teen years parents must be vigilant to identify and provide for the needs of children while keeping them safe. Learned parenting behavior and the biological drive to protect offspring, encourage and influence the way parents recognize, understand and respond to a child’s needs. These responses are limited by time, resources, finances and the emotional competency of prior learned behavior.
Studies have shown that over 50% of parents feel they have no sources of emotional and physical support. Financial stress adds another hardship. These stressors make it difficult for parents to meet the needs of their children. Stress encourages parents to neglect their own needs and self-care soon disappears.
Parents who neglect their own self-care are at risk for losing patience and compassion. Their lives are bordered by fear, procrastination and self-doubt. Dreams, passions and aspirations are forgotten and behaviors are modeled that do not teach self-awareness and self-care. This loss of self is accompanied by fear, anger, shame and guilt. These become learned behaviors that are then passed on to a new generation prone to social isolation and fueled by anger due to the loss of self.
Self-care must be simplified and programmed into your daily life. You must acknowledge, speak up and walk away when self-care is threatened. You must seek out people, places and things that provide comfort, connection and safety in an ever accelerating world. When self-care is embedded within your life it provides for both you and your child. You receive the personal, social, emotional, intellectual and spiritual benefits and model behavior that changes the biological and emotional decision for your child.
Take a walk and look at the magnificence of nature. Eat dessert, read a romantic novel, watch a movie, go to a comedy show, walk on the beach, exercise or just brew yourself a cup of tea or hot chocolate. Call a friend or take a nap. Take up dancing or start a scrapbook. Learn how to say “no.” Go to the library, learn a new language or start playing that instrument you have not played since you were a child. Meditate, attend a religious service or volunteer for a favorite unspoken cause.
Each of us built the rooms in which we live. Each house is our challenge and responsibility. Every room must contain exits for daily and emergency use. Exits provide the safety and security to live a life filled with passion and inspiration. If circumstances arise and you find yourself in darkness look for a light. If there is none, listen and reach out to someone near. They will lead you to safety. Begin your journey today.
Being Bullied
Do you know what it feels like to be bullied? I Do. Being repeatedly bullied changes you. It can either leave a mark or induce change.
As a new freshman in high school I turned the corner and quickly scanned the hallway. Experience had taught me what to look for and how to look for it. Repeated bullying teaches you how to scan a sidewalk, a playground, a gymnasium, a room or a hallway. Never make direct eye contact and never, ever stop listening. While most children look for their friends, those who are bullied see sudden movement and hear the shuffle of feet and always know where the closest exit is. As I walked down the long hallway I approached a group of boys. They leaned on open lockers and their laughter echoed off the tile floor. Laughter was always more worrisome than loud talking. I drifted over to the other side of the hall and softened my shoulders as I shifted my books to my other arm. You always kept one arm free when passing a bully. The laughter did not change and I sighed silently as I turned the corner and began scanning the next hallway.
For the observer bullying is often difficult to recognize. It can happen everywhere and anytime. For the one who is being bullied, bullying is always recognizable. It includes both spoken and unspoken actions, words and behaviors. A tilt of a head, a look in the eye, a sudden turn, a push, a trip, a sound or a series of words all indicate unwanted and unsought after aggression that has been directed at you. When you are young it starts with simple name calling, teasing or taunting. When these behaviors are repeated and are associated with one child trying to control or scare another child it becomes bullying. Threats of physical harm, rumors, embarrassing false stories and inappropriate sexual comments soon follow and you change. Not everyone becomes a victim but everyone changes. You notice social behaviors including how others avoid you or leave you out of games. You learn how to recognize the bully as well as those who assist and reinforce those who bully. Knocking, tripping, punching and hitting become a sport and if you are smart enough you learn how to scan and disappear.
There is no single reason why a child becomes a bully. Fear, anger, inadequate attachment, lack of control and low self-esteem are common themes. A lack of compassion and respect for others and the pursuit of social power and attention are also commonly seen in those who bully. Bullies may be well connected to peers or they may be loners who are isolated and easily pressured by others. Bullies tend to be aggressive and have difficulty following rules. They resort to dominating behaviors when they become frustrated and often think badly of others. They view aggressive behavior in a positive way and tend to have friends who bully others. In adulthood bullies often continue to have problems both at work and at home.
Children who are bullied tend to be different from others. They may be smart, sensitive, short, tall, overweight or just “different”. The way they dress, the words they choose or the way they act turn them into magnets. Bullies are drawn to these children and search for targets who are weak, depressed, anxious or unable to defend themselves. Bullying soon follows.
The best way to eliminate bullying is to talk about it and model appropriate interpersonal behavior. Bullying must be recognizable and understood if we are to prevent it. Bullying can be prevented by keeping all lines of communication open, urging all children to seek help if bullied and for those who are not bullied to be encouraged to step in and stop bullying before it happens. In this way all children will benefit. We must be clear, consistent and concise about how aggressive behavior harms both the giver and the receiver. We must never tolerate bullying and must model in our daily lives the use of effective non-physical positive discipline techniques that encourage appropriate behavior and discourage inappropriate behavior.
Being bullied changed me. I became a protector of others and along the way learned how to protect myself. Listen to your child and search for those children walking down the hall who know how to disappear. Your support, your teaching and your words of encouragement can allow an invisible child to hear the laughter and not the shuffle of feet.
The Cupcake
Why does quiet time foster the ability to connect?
One of my fondest memories is walking hand in hand with my mother to a corner store one block away from our house. We made this trip many times when I would wake from naps. She would buy me a chocolate cream filled cupcake and arriving home we would sit silently on our porch steps sharing that cupcake and watch cars go up and down our street.
Parents are confronted every day with new techniques and ideas on how to raise a bright, sensitive, respectful and resilient child. The importance of attachment, emotional competency and a sense of others are consistently discussed as is the ability to perceive the intent, purpose and meaning of others. To accomplish these goals parents are drawn to active parenting styles that engender and support specific traits and behaviors.
One of these active styles is clear, consistent, concise and confident parenting. Another is the ability to set reasonable boundaries that support respect in the parent-child relationship. Without such boundaries many children believe the role of a parent is to fulfill not only their needs but also their wants. These active parenting skills are important but they all must be broadened by a healthy parent-child connection. Such a connection is fostered through passive parenting opportunities that support the sharing of feelings and thoughts without words or actions. This sharing can be accomplished by spending quiet time with your child.
Life is seldom in slow motion. For parents life has two speeds, fast and faster. This is why parents and children must find opportunities to connect during periods of quiet rest and relaxation. A quiet presence allows you and your child to connect. Distractions hinder our ability to connect. Quiet and the reflection foster your child’s ability to share and support the importance of silent contemplation, rest and relaxation. This ability is essential for self- development and enhances your child’s ability to initiate and maintain future healthy relationships.
Don’t wait! You do have the power to change the speed of life for both you and your child. How comfortable are you with silence? You will be amazed by the hugs and smiles you discover when you hit the pause button and a previously unseen and unheard world unfolds. What memory of you will your child remember?
