The Latest Newsletters from Dr. Joe Barber
A Happy Little Girl
Happiness is a gift from within.
I looked up from the menu and saw this young girl standing next to me smiling. Her hair touched the top of a billowing white dress and her black patent leather shoes sparkled. I cocked my head to the side and said: “Well, hello.” Speechless, she continued to smile. A woman swept over from a distant table and knelt down beside her. “Doctor Barber, I apologize for bothering you but, my daughter saw you come in and asked if she could go over and say hello.” The next thing I knew she was standing next to your table. I am so sorry for interrupting your dinner.” The little girl continued to smile. “She and her sister play doctor and take turns being you.” You are going to be a great doctor someday,” I said to her. Her smile grew larger. “Come on honey. Let Doctor Barber finish eating.” She reached up and gave me a hug and skipped back to her table.
Children are born with an ability to live in the moment. Their feelings fueled by love, attention and affection drive their actions. They are able to feel what they want while still controlling what they do. Attachment fueled by love, attention and affection leads to a sense of happiness, security and satisfaction. For adults this skill and connection is often lost.
The older we become the more our lives are illuminated by responsibility. Schedules and illness shorten our lives. Minutes, hours and days filter out the joy as we become unhealthy and unhappy. This unhappiness fosters the conscious suppression and unconscious repression of desires and feelings. Life is devoured by rejection, anger, frustration, internal inadequacy and the stress of endless repetition. One day ends so another can begin.
We must not allow unhappiness to replace positive emotion. Abundant acts occur daily in each of our lives when we take the time to live in the present moment.
That young girl reminded me of my own power and capability to seek and find happiness no matter where I am or whom I am with. I realized we have the innate ability to feel good when we take the time to give and receive unconditionally. This power is within each of us.
Do you choose happiness? The choice is yours.
Magic Erasers
Have you ever wondered why we find it so difficult to forgive ourselves?
“Did you try a magic eraser?” I shook my head no but remembered seeing some soft white rectangular blocks in a box autographed with a picture of Mr. Clean. “They are out on the porch with all the cleaning supplies,” my wife answered. Pleased with my success I reached into the box and pulled out two pieces of foam each the size of an ivory soap bar. They were soft and smooth and were made of a material you could use to wrap your grandmother’s china during a cross-country move. “How do you use these?” I asked. “Just run them under water and squeeze out the water.” Following her instructions I said to myself, “You have to be kidding.”
I took the first one and began to rub it across a white shelf that had been marked by several years of sliding pots and pans. “There is no way this is going to work,” I said to myself. With several firm strokes the marks vanished. They did not just soften. They were gone. In disbelief I began to use strokes I had not seen since The Karate Kid movie. Each time the result was the same. Every mark vanished. I moved onto cupboard doors, baseboards, the washer and dryer and a mud sink. Mr. Clean won every time. “These things are unbelievable,” I called to my wife. I actually became gleeful when I saw that the box was still over half full. “You can even rinse and re-use these things,” I said to her with an ever-growing amazement. “Does everyone know about these things?” “Pretty much,” she answered. My eyes searched the room as I successfully deported every scuff and stain I encountered. Not once did I fail.
As parents we all leave scuffs and stains on our children. As the years pass we search for a Magic Eraser to wipe away our mistakes. We sand, paint and remodel in hope of becoming a better parent and become fatigued, scuffed and stained. Due to these challenges parents are often blinded and lose sight of the passion and joy beneath those scuffs and stains.
Parents search for the right proportions of resourcefulness, self-reliance and teamwork. By blending these traits and patterns within a framework of responsibility parents strive to raise a child who is respectful and cooperative rather than obedient. Learning how to care for oneself and for others separates exploration from entitlement.
Parenting is never easy. Every child-rearing marathon is a race across deep hot sand and many obstacles. Some of these obstacles are self-made and others are not. This marathon causes many to become critics, victims, worriers or perfectionists. Each of these stains and scuffs distract us from our goal, hides our inner beauty and changes the ways we love and live.
Forgiveness is your magic eraser. It allows you to accept and forgive yourself and others for choices made and lessons learned. Forgiveness provides each of us the opportunity to reach out to our children and parents unburdened by the failure of decisions made to again become fueled by love. The next time you see Mr. Clean and the magic eraser remind yourself your future is not yet written. Your future need not be determined by your past but by how you use your magic eraser called forgiveness.
Courage
Are you courageous?
I walked into the exam room as the mother said to me, “She has been waiting for you.” I turned to the mother who was sitting next to a home healthcare nurse. The mother and the nurse were smiling. The nurse turned to the mother. “I don’t think I have ever seen her sit so quietly.” The mother answered, “She loves coming here for her visits.”
I walked over to the young woman sitting in the wheelchair and touched her arm. I had first met her about two decades earlier when I diagnosed her with cerebral palsy. She had limited use of her arms and legs and had difficulty speaking and swallowing yet even as a toddler I remember telling her mother, “Never let anyone tell you she does not understand every word you say.”
“How are you?” I said looking into her knowing eyes. She shook in her chair and said, “Baby” over and over. Throughout her life this was the only word I had ever heard her say. I sat down next to her. “You look great today.” I said. I turned to her mother. “How are you feeling?” “Tired, very tired” she answered. “She loves coming to see you.” “Have you been getting enough sleep?” I asked. She shook her head no. “You have to take care of yourself. We can’t do this without you.” “I know, I know,” She replied. I returned my attention to her daughter who was smiling widely and still saying, “Baby!” “I think I need to take you dancing in that wheelchair.” I said to her as I rolled her chair back slightly. She stiffened her legs and arched her head back. “I think we will be able to do some great spins in that wheelchair.” Everyone smiled as the world disappeared and only the moment remained.
Parents of children with special needs are confronted with unasked-for choices. A child is born who is different from other children. A difference filled with beauty and sadness. Every parent confronted with such an event must make a series of choices.
The first choice is avoidance. There is no greater pain than the pain felt by your child. All parents seek to protect their children from suffering and lack. This genomic drive is imbedded within the psyche of every parent. This results in parents willing to risk and give everything, including life, for their child. This drive encourages a parent to live in a make-believe diorama where horror, pain, suffering and loss are cloaked by avoidance.
Other parents move beyond avoidance and choose to alter or adapt their lives in exchange for opportunities for their child. Such a gift is given with love and seeds hope in the heart of the parent. Happiness is often found as challenges replace opportunities and actions and deeds replace parental dreams and relationships.
A final choice available to parents is to accept and live in the present rather than the past or the future. By living in the now these parents realize their child came into this world having made a choice. A choice to experience a life chosen with foresight and understanding in exchange for the knowledge and experience it would provide. A life filled with emotional and physical difficulty, suffering and sadness yet overflowing with joy from the words and touch of those they love.
When I touched her arm that day, heard the joy in her voice and saw the love in her mother’s eyes, I remembered what her mother and I had talked about almost two decades earlier. “Her body did not fail her,” I told her mother. “Her cerebral palsy has freed her to live a life where her acceptance has given each of us the ability to replace fear, anger, anguish and grief with our own acceptance and love.”
When she was an infant I held her in my arms and heard the song of her voice. I knew but had not yet seen. Now, on this day, two decades wiser, my heart opened as we danced under a shimmering light projected through this child and mother both overflowing with life, love and courage.
Magnets
What do you attract?
The five year old was silent as the nurse walked into the exam room. The boy’s head ratcheted sideways with every step while his eyes focused on a tray she carried. I returned to my note and when I looked up the nurse had finished giving the shot. The boy’s lips and eyes were tightly shut and a wince was fading from his face. His mother reached over and gave him a hug. As his eyes and mouth opened she said: “I am so proud of you.” They both smiled.
Most parents wonder whom their child will look up to. Will it be an athlete, a scholar, a friend, a neighbor or a media star? What will happen if that person models negative behavior? Never ending media bombardment makes it easy for parents to neglect and misjudge their own influence while focusing on the influence of others.
One of the questions I ask a child when I perform a neurological evaluation is: “If you could spend more time with three people, who would they be?” The most common answers are mom and dad. In these words the near limitless power of parenthood is revealed. A parent is a child’s most visible and influential role model.
It is easy to understand why a child loves and idolizes a parent who sacrifices everything for them. I have always been surprised, however, by the way young children with detached parents often continue to honor, follow and protect their parents. Children are born with a powerful and blinding desire to seek attachment and love. If medical, social, educational or environmental factors prevent this attachment shame and guilt often result. It is this desire that empowers every parent with the hidden ability to influence a child’s actions and beliefs. Parents and children become magnets with powers of attraction and repulsion. Your words and actions determine the type and direction of force exerted. The absence of attachment drives a wedge between parent and child and with the passing of time this gap widens silently.
Children are born with a powerful desire to emulate parental behavior. This desire magnetizes both you and your child. These invisible forces pull you together or push you apart. This force of attraction is strongest in the young child and without proper care this force can change from attachment to avoidance. Love is repelled and lost.
The next time you consider using coercive parenting techniques towards your child remember you are your child’s ultimate role model. Threats, anger, hostility and demeaning verbal discipline may stop a behavior briefly but such behaviors do not serve as a model for future healthy behaviors. Always express your inner love with words and actions your child will never forget.
The Conference Room
Have you ever wondered why it is so difficult to ask for help?
“Are you going to the noon meeting?” Another intern asked. “I don’t think we have time. It will take us another 15 minutes to get there,” I answered. In the prior six weeks I had made the trip many times, and it always took me 15 minutes. “It is on the other side of the hospital,” I said to him. He turned and motioning for me to follow as he held open a side door. Stepping through the door I saw the lunchtime meeting room. I turned to my friend, and shook my head in disbelief. We both began to laugh.
Although some people are born with an explorer gene that encourages new physical and emotional frontiers, most people find change incites fear, skepticism and an unwillingness to ask for help. Although a few people readily seek direction and advice most do not. Reasons include shame, guilt, fear, anger and embarrassment. Often these feelings are biological bodyguards that protect us from pursuing change. This rigidity, however, leads parents and children away from new discoveries and invisible opportunities. Children emulate the behaviors parents model.
From an early age parents must encourage and support independence and exploration linked to a willingness and ability to ask for help. Schedules, routines and rituals are code words parents rely upon to justify a lack of willingness to ask and accept advice and direction from another. When you ask others for help and accept their help with non-judgmental acceptance and gratitude you are teaching your child the power of both giving and sharing.
Thirty years ago my rigidity brought me a moment of laughter and learning I will never forget. The next time you are on an outing with your child stop and ask for directions and advice from strangers you meet. Stop assuming that your way is the right way. Asking for help may open a door you may also never forget.
