Parent Self-Care

/in , /by

When a child is born all eyes focus on him. His beautiful eyes, the softness of his skin, the curls in his hair and the warmth of his embrace. When your infant snuggles into the crook of your neck the world disappears and all you see and hear is your child. Whether a product of our genes or emotional drives this focus drives a parent to protect a child who is unable to protect or nourish themselves. Without your love, affection and attention he could not survive. This is one of the reasons why he responds to your care and love. He not only wants you he needs you.

From the moment of birth your infant’s behavior shapes your life.  Your drives and their behavior force you to attend and respond to them.  This is good.  As parent you want to feel attached and needed by your newborn. A problem arises, however, when you allow this desire to override the respect you have for yourself and the pursuit of your own needs.

As a new parent you must learn to recognize, understand and respond to the needs of your infant. By doing so, you will allow him to begin his lifelong journey of self-discovery.  During his life your encouragement will allow him to develop a sense of self, a sense of others and eventually pursue the question of who he is and what he can do.  This passionate pursuit of what inspires him can only happen, however, if he is taught to be recognized and pursue his own needs.

Parents usually neglect their own and their spouse’s needs while caring for their new child. This places them at risk to undermine the goal they seek. Every parent wants their child to grow up with the self-awareness and strength to find their own place in the world. To have the ability to maintain relationships built out of mutual cooperation and respect. As an infant your child learns how to interact with all the people and things around him. Just as he is preparing himself for the future so to must you. As he moves into the toddler years he will begin to assert his own decision making and you must be there ready to help him with guidance and teaching. To set an example for him you must not allow your own self-care to evaporate under the heat of his needs. You must not neglect your needs or you will be unable to provide the independence and self-care modeling necessary for your toddler and his later years.  Your child learns most from watching you. He must from the earliest age believe that you provide him safety and security without losing yourself within the life of another.

You and your spouse must continue to chase your passions. You both deserve this.  Seek what inspires you beyond the touch, sight and sound of your infant. To do less results in a sense of loss and anger.  This anger cannot be directed at your new infant and so it is redirected to oneself or someone else, including your spouse.  When a parent stops performing self-care she justifies it as a necessary requirement of parenthood .  Yet, deep within, they mourn at the loss of self. Mothers and fathers often feel selfish when they think about the independence they have given up. This remorse is normal and expected. What you cannot do is stop your pursuit of self-care. Every parent must continue to seek the time and the opportunities to continue their own life journey. Look to the arts and to nature to help you see the magnificence of the world around you. Rent a video and make yourself your favorite dinner. Read a new book or start a new hobby. Call an old friend, go for a walk in the park, start a scrapbook or take up a new sport. Eat healthy, stay physically active, get your sleep and find someone to talk to who will listen to you non-judgmentally.

Parent self-care is best for both you and your child.

Difficult Parenting Days

/in , /by

Difficult days happen for every parent. The key is to have some tools at hand when one of these days happen. Parenting is not always fun and easy. Be ready for these difficult days. Here are some suggestions for the dark days of parenthood.

Discover something new about parenting that you did not recognize or realize prior. Seek out new situations and opportunities for a new relationship with your child. Try a new activity or a new location for an old activity. By sharing new experiences with your child a day filled with negative energy can change. The appeal of a new environment is often enough to bring a smile to you and your child’s face.

Breathe. The act of breathing relaxes you. Step back from the negative emotions you are feeling and take a deep breath in to the count of 4 and then breathe out to a count of 8. Perform several cycles and clear your mind of all thoughts. By quieting your mind positive energy filled with new feelings, thoughts, words and actions will appear.

Throw out your negative attitude. Imaging wrapping it in thick brown paper sealed with box tape and toss it in a dumpster. If your profile and attitude are filled with fear, anxiety and inadequacy only negative feelings will follow. Substitute these negative thoughts with affirmations that make you recall events and situations where you parented your child in wonderful and memorable ways. Suddenly, new opportunities and actions will appear that positively impact your parenting.

Pat yourself on the back. Most parents not only try but do a good job parenting their child. Step back from self-criticism and self-doubt. Through verbal self-talk tell yourself you are a good parent who not only loves your child but has raised her to be a glorious human being whose life is filled with opportunities, love, expectation and acceptance.

Get your sleep. Close your eyes and rest, take a nap or go to bed earlier. Most parents are running on empty with a chronic sleep debt. Maintain your mind and body by getting out into nature, eating healthy, staying fit, experiencing the arts, enjoying your friends and always getting adequate sleep. Getting more sleep will provide you the same dividends that compound interest does for those who know how to save and invest their money wisely. Fall asleep each day knowing you will wake feeling stronger and better.

What Makes a Good Parent?

/in , /by

As a new parent emotions, aspirations and responsibilities surge. Your heart is filled with love and hope. You dream about your child’s future and the limitless opportunities that await him. Yet, at the same time, you are vulnerable to fear fueled by self-doubt. Your insecurity is universal. All parents wonder if they will be a good parent. All parents question whether they have the patience, fortitude and compassion to blend acceptance and love to deal with life’s imperfections. Parents wonder whether procrastination and ignorance will be their lifelong companions. The answers to these question are within your heart. Your child is a limitless gift. He is pure and comes into the world without regret or expectations. His heart carries no fear, anger, hate, disgust or envy. His heart is filled with unconditional love for you just as your heart is filled with this same love for him. There is calm within the peace and simplicity of love. This union allows you to find the balance, rhythm and intuition necessary to become the parent you want to be.

Your first job as a parent is to seek the quiet calm of contemplative thought. Silence will slow down your decision making and release negative emotions tied to your fears. The first step in this process is to clear your mind to wander and dream of the future. There is no rush. Find your center, your balance point and take the time you need to begin to dream. Imagine the endless opportunities your child will have. See the places he will travel to and visit. Listen to the voices and songs he will hear. Feel the sun as it envelops him on a warm summer day or the crisp wind during a winter storm.  Give yourself time to dream. Look away from life’s chaos to find peace in the limitless potential of your child’s life. A life he will choose. A life he will live and a life you will protect by providing the safety and security he needs as he begins his life.

So how do you find this inner strength? You find it in the support and love that surrounds you. Look to you friends and family. Seek out non-judgmental supporters who will listen to you in your times of self-doubt and help you seek your own answers. Find people who show their love for you by their willingness to share rather than their willingness to answer.  Identify places and things that bring joy to you and hold them close. Look to the arts and nature for the glory that envelops you. Set boundaries to protect your time and your own sense of who you are and who you want to become. Practice when it is right to speak up and when it is right to walk away. With the support of your friends and family take care of your own needs. Eat healthy, get your exercise and find time for the sleep your body needs to start each day fresh and ready to join your child in a glorious regret free adventure called life.

Start right now. Take the first step today. Change or enhance your life. Live every moment without thought for the if’s or the when’s. Take time to dream your dreams and manifest them into reality. Close your eyes and see a world without limits. Live a life built on passion and inspiration. Your child will see you and learn more from your actions than any spoken word would ever teach. Provide yourself and your child the greatest gift either of you will ever receive. The gift of unconditional love and opportunity to live every day of every month of every year.

How Do I Find More Time?

/in , /by

Mothers and fathers are confronted by the limits of time every day. Time spent on work, events, childcare and parental duties can be consuming and endless. For women, care of their spouse is also a time drain. Parents live in a state of constant sleep debt and neglect self-care. Studies find 50% of women have less than 90 minutes a day of free time yet these same studies report most women feel their job does not interfere with their personal life. So, the question is, what is the problem?

The primary issue is chores and responsibilities. Mothers have more tasks than fathers. Less than 25% of male spouses share household responsibilities with their wife. Most husbands focus on home-related issues including household repairs and improvements, gardening and yard work. That leaves everything else for the mother. Her list includes child care, assisting in homework, cooking, transporting children to activities, household errands, cleaning, grocery shopping, house organizing, laundry, childcare activities, managing day to day household finances, clothes buying and the list goes on and on.

Although most mothers feel their husband is capable of doing more chores and taking on more responsibilities most mothers do not delegate activities to their spouse. In fact, most women are more willing to share to do list chores with their children than their spouse.  Mothers want their husband to ask to help and are especially protective of decorating, managing household finances and organizing the house.

This endless list of duties is daunting and causes physiologic stress. Stress hormones are released and elevated stress hormones at the end of the day are linked to mood changes, depression and shorter life spans.  So, what can you do? Ask your spouse and others for help. Share responsibilities and duties with your spouse. Do not wait for your spouse to ask what he can do. Tell him what he needs to do. Find time to relax and stop yourself when you find a moment of free time to add more household duties.

Relaxation can be found in any contemplative activity.  Get out in nature, experience the arts, exercise, take a nap, scrapbook, knit, sew, dance, join a choir, pursue your spiritual center take a yoga class or read a book. Take time to recharge and breathe.  Most importantly, stop worrying about taking care of the house and your children. By being your own gatekeeper and taking time to have fun you will reclaim your life. Set a fun budget and schedule time for yourself. This is the most important retirement plan you will ever join. The most important relationship you will ever have is the one you have with yourself.

If you do these things your life will change. You will live longer, be happier and have more energy to share the important things in life with your children and your spouse.

Temperament

/in /by

Each child is born with genetic predispositions for a specific behavioral style. Your child’s behavior style is described by her patterns of reactivity, regulation and flexibility. Reactivity describes how intense a response your child will show to a stimulus. Other components to reactivity include sensory sensitivity and overall motor activity level. Regulation describes outlook and how emotions are expressed.  Lastly, flexibility describes his ability to relate to change and transitions in terms of schedules, routines, rituals and social interactions. These patterns are commonly described as either happy, mellow or fussy babies. As a child grows older we describe more complex mood patterns as well as attention profiles, motor skill performance and sleep habits.

These genetic predispositions can be influenced by environmental stimuli, historical events and interpersonal relationships. The influence can either inhibit certain predispositions or accelerate and enhance patterns of response. The result is described as a layering of new circuitry within the brain. This circuitry allows new skills to develop. These new skills can reflect past genetic predispositions or not. The attention and stimulation you provide your infant and child will determine what response patterns are
expressed. Your responses may be positive or negative. Children respond to both. It is important you avoid negative or aversive responses. The greatest success is seen with a positive supportive focus based on love, safety and security. Without this support no alignment with or attachment to new patterns of behavior will occur.

One of the most important environmental stimuli is your own temperament. How you respond to your child depends not only on the sought after behavior but also on your own temperament. Take time to understand your own behavioral style. Examine your own mood patterns, attention span, flexibility and overall ability to control your own impulses even when you would prefer not to. It is this combination of temperaments that  determines the family environment which also provides a direct influence on behavior style.  In addition, your perception of your own parenting skills is strongly influenced by your child’s temperament and the family environment.

This reciprocal reaction between your temperament, your child’s temperament and the family environment are the prime determinants of the behavioral style your child will develop. Will he be agreeable, confident, happy, internally motivated and competent or will he be irritable, restless, unsettled, withdrawn, angry, easily frustrated overcautious, unpredictable and withdrawn. Your involvement in the development and support of these skill sets and new brain circuits is one of the most important duties of any parent. Your awareness of the complexity of these interactions allows you to influence your child to grow up with compassion and respect for himself and for others.

Self Regulation Profiles

/in /by

Your child is born with a genetically determined self regulation profile. Over the next five years of life she will express this profile. During these years you have the opportunity and responsibility to support her own . Many aspects of social, emotional and cognitive development are involved in self regulation. It is best described as an integration of emotion and cognition and results in the behaviors your child will express.

Self regulation includes a child’s ability to control their own impulses as well as the capacity to do somethig they would prefer not to do.  In order for her to do this effectively she must learn to recognize and understand her own feelings. This understanding will provide her with the skills she needs to manage her own emotions. This is the foundation of self regulation. Your child watches you. They learn more from what they see then what they hear. Your understanding and patterns of response effect their behavior. So, react wisely and choose the patterns you want to support while avoiding behaviors you do not want to see your child develop.

Many aspects of social, emotional and cognitive development are involved in self regulation. It is best described as an integration of emotion and cognition and results in the behaviors your child will express.

Self regulation develops over time and depends on your child’s developmental level. It is very important you understand developmental skills before you set your expectations about your child’s ability to self regulate. Infants rely on you for until six months or older. They have a limited ability to self regulate. They rely on you for food, comfort, sleep and social interaction. You must attend to their cues to understand their needs and wants. It is through this attention founded in love that attachment develops. This attachment provides the security your child needs to develop their own skills to self soothe and calm themselves. Toddlers have more skills and are learning how to connect their feelings and emotions to situations and events. They are newcomers to this skill and consequently their responses swing widely from happiness to sadness and tears to laughter. This self regulation growth is mirrored in their language development and as they grow older their language skills can be used to make their emotional outbursts and temper tantrums more manageable. By preschool your child will begin to understand the connection beween the feelings they have and the behaviors they express. This the crucial time for you to use shaping, modeling and emotional coaching techniques along with traditional limit setting to help them choose and implement self regulation strategies. Your involvement combined with realistic expectations and the anticipation of inappropriate behavior can help this time become less turbulent.

Choosing What is Best For Your Child

/in /by

When your child is born it is natural for you to feel vulnerable, fearful and anxious. You are concerned about doing the right thing, at the right time and in the right way. This concern is healthy and encourages you to obtain the best care possible for your new child. Concern becomes unhealthy and unhelpful, however, when it is replaced by fear and anxiety based on the concerns of others.  One of the skills you must rely on is the ability to gain control of your own experience.

As a parent you must learn to feel good about yourself and your child. You cannot rely on the expectations and feelings of others. To do so, causes you to loose your balance and in many ways encourages your fears to become real.  Everything in your life is responsive to you both in the way you think and the way you live your life. To allow negative thoughts to enter your life simply encourages them. Once negative thoughts are embedded in your mind they grow. Even though you mean well and only want to protect your child this fostering of negative thoughts actually causes you to loose control.

You and you alone have control over your life and your ability to inspire your child. It does not matter what others think or say about you or your child. Only your thoughts matter. Clean your mind of all negative anxiety and fear. Seek a contentment based on balance, understanding and acceptance. Trust your feelings about what is best for your child. Fill your mind with dreams, passions and inspirations about your child and by so doing you will prepare her to chase her own dreams.

Theses skills do not just happen.  They take time to grow. Give yourself time to develop the patience and understanding to deal with the negative thoughts of others. Such skills must be fostered and supported. The first step is a committment to this belief of self control. Experience will tell you and the way you live your life will show your child that each of you have control over your own futures. Certainly, unexplained and unwanted events will occur but most situations, events and opportunities are due to your thoughts, words and actions. In fact, most of the time you will be treated by others as you expect them to treat you. By finding, seeing and then listening to the positive harmony within your life and the life of your child you will understand life’s questions and answers are already within you and your child.

Death

/in /by

For every parent when their child is born thoughts of their child dying or becoming gravely ill or injured arise.This is common and expected.  As a parent you will find new emotions attached to words like meningitis, SIDS, autism, drowning, seat belts, car seats and immunizations. The need to address these negative thoughts is essential and has been discussed in previous blog entries.What should you do, however, when you are confronted by the death of a member of the family including a parent or a child? The answer to this question as with all others rests within you.

Although the departure of those you love may never be accepted it must be allowed. Death allows a person’s soul to be set free. The act of living allows each person to pursue the connection between mind and body, but, it is death that allows a person’s soul to be set free. This freedom is a freedom expected and long awaited since birth. Although the death of a child or teenager can can be understood through natural laws it
can only be accepted through the power of spirituality.

Souls are amazing. they are filled with equal parts patience and understanding mixed with a measure of joy and a touch of laughter. They never leave us no matter how much
we neglect them. They are social yet independent and never lonely. Their wisdom knows who and what we are. They listen even when not being listened to. Theirs is a world of questions more than answers and love unhindered by guilt or remorse. A world with no if ‘s or when but only now.

Your soul and the soul of your child are the keepers of understanding about all things eternal and those that are not. Ypur child’s soul is invisible save for its image reflected during acts of love and compassion. These glimpses are fleeting, yet their images are strong, narcotic and inspiring.  Living a life filled with compassion and forged from relationships is always at risk for pain and suffering. Yet, by living and dying each person, no matter what their age, is provided the opportunity of being and not just doing. For, a soul reveals itself most  and shines brightest in the eyes of your newborn and in the spirit and memories of the old and infirmed.

So do not Hide. Show no fear. Live life. Watch your child grow. Revel in every sound they ever utter or word they speak. watch their actions and reactions. Smile and shout about decisions whether right or wrong. Live a life without labels or bounds. Allow your child to live unencumbered by your fears, feelings and expectations. Empower yourself
and your child to make choices based on opportunity, love and compassion. There is no reason to fear illness and death. Each are part of life and will never touch your child’s soul. A child’s soul never sleeps. With unending patience it only watches and waits.

Parenting Principles

/in /by

The first question to ask yourself is whether you have a positive relationship with your child. Are your interactions positive or negative. If you have overall positive interactions then focus on continuing to provide uncritical and non-judgemental support and attention while praising good behaviors. In this way you will continue to foster cooperation and respect. If your interactions are increasingly negative then you must pursue strategies to rebuild a foundation of cooperation. Negative and punitive responses will not succeed.

Cooperation is enhanced through positive interactions with your child. This may occur randomly during day to day activities and also through established routines and expectations. These can be called creative parenting and schedule or event based parenting. Both types of parenting categories require a consistent approach based on clearly identified and communicated rules and expectations. Your child must be made the focus of your attention and you must encourage  your child by promoting your expectations. At the same time you must discourage inappropriate behaviors through the imposition of consequences. Behavioral consequences are especially important when safety issues are present. Even when punishment is used positive interactions are the goal.

The guiding principle is for you as parent to have the courage to deal with conflicts between you and your child every time challenging or contrary behaviors happen. You must be ready to seek cooperation by providing the discipline that is required.This is the fundamental principal of parenting.

Emotions Are Real

/in /by

When a child becomes upset and shows it in what they say or do parents are prone to pay too little or too much attention. By over responding you are actually supporting the duration and recurrence of the negative behavior. By paying too little attention to an emotion that seems insignificant to you your child will feel you are disavowing their feelings and often become frustrated. Frustration often leads to a progression negative behaviors that are compounded by a sense of grief, anger, insecurity, worry or hopelessness over not being able to have something your child really wants. Remember, young children are not capable of separating wants from true needs. This takes time and will only occur with training and personal development. This personal development occurs in relationships based on responsive and sensitive attention and attunement. Being aware and attuned to the wants and needs of your child in various situations will allow you to understand her emotions. Your child will only learn to accept
feelings as real if you treat her feelings as real. Any other response teaches them to dismiss, disavow or simply mirror emotions without learning how to recognize, respond and grow with them.

Simple techniques can help a child calm down. these include any activity that supports relaxation. Choose what is best for your child based on her interests and her age and skill sets. Some children respond to reading or singing a song. Others respond to physical activities including dancing or going for a walk. Others require a short nap or
massage. Your response is not only for support. It tells your child you recognize they are upset and you want to help them learn to manage and respond to their emotions. Once the initial response is made you can move on to more solution-based responses based on the situation that evoked the emotion. You can always give her a list of possible responses and allow her to choose the best one for her. If she comes up with inappropriate solutions explain why a new choice will be needed. The goal is to return to an appropriate activity where the ability to handle unhappiness and dissatisfaction are recalled but remain in the background and the normal activity of life is emphasized.

By spending time with your child every day you will have the opportunity to play and laugh together. Be attentive and responsive to them. Listen to what your child says and how she says it. Is she happy or sad; mad or glad; or angered or surprised.  Look for cues in her facial expression, body gestures, tone and pace of speech or any other verbal and non verbal cues. These experiences foster the sharing of emotions and are at the center of human relationships. Bonding and attachment during these periods provide the environment for the modeling of appropriate behavioral responses and expands the meaning of discipline from obedience to the modeling of behaviors that will last a lifetime.